Man, I will totally wear my seat belt when driving in my non-existent car from now on.
This is a leak of Radiohead’s new song “Lotus Flowers” played at a benefit for Haiti. It sounds really good, especially if this is going to be a track on another name your price album. What will I pay for this album? I will personally pledge a picture of two puppies wrestling with each other for Thom Yorke, just to see if it will get him to smile. If not, then probably $12.
Continuing this week’s Lost coverage, we’re posting Newsweek’s “Best Week Ever” type video where non-Losties attempt to explain Lost while watching footage from the show.
Best exchange of the video: “I think it’s supposed to be heaven.” “I don’t think there are polar bears trying to attack you in heaven.” “Oooooo.”
In honor of Lost returning to the air waves last night, the Near Truth has assembled a list of drinks that Lost characters would endorse for your future Lost gatherings. Here’s what we got:
Michael Dawson - Herbal Tea
Michael Dawson would recommend that you drink herbal tea. Why? Because if you are like Michael Dawson, you are going to spend a good portion of your day yelling your rebellious son’s name as he wanders around the jungle getting life tips from a bald guy whose checked luggage looks like a prop bag for Rambo. But with a nice glass of herbal tea, you can make sure you never lose your voice and can always keep tabs on your kid.
Jack Shepard - Bourbon Served In Popcorn Bowl
Jack Shepard is a fan of the drink. He doesn’t do much to hide it. When he melts down, it’s usually a pretty epic train wreck. Things will be going along just fine for him and then his father gives one of his patented “You suck at life, Jack” speeches or Jack sees an infomercial on TV starring an ex-lover airing during reruns of Seinfeld and he’s back drinking like only a true Shepard man could; chugging bourbon out of a popcorn bowl and then doing a round of karaoke on the ledge of a bridge. Everyone’s got their poison, Jack just chooses to consume his in jug like quantities.
John Locke - Rain Water Sipped Off Of Jagged Plane Fuselage
I’m not sure John Locke really enjoys earthly pleasures all that much, especially the eating of food and drink. I doubt he bothers to salt his boar meat or season his rack of polar bear. I’m also fairly certain that he only eats oranges so that he can use the rinds to creep out attractive plane crash survivors. If it were up to John, he’d probably eat MREs and drink rain water off the fuselage with a silly straw because he’s a nut job. Maybe it’s this Grizzly Adams lifestlye that shortened his life span, but you got to give him credit, he stuck by his guns. You will be missed, John Locke. Just not by me.
Continue reading ‘Drink Recommendations From Lost Characters’
In an attempt to further incur the wrath of dinosaurs when they are genetically engineered to pull wagons in the future, Hollywood has decided to make another Jurassic Park movie. According to a recent interview with Jurassic Park III director Joe Johnston, there will in fact be another unnecessary installment in this ailing franchise.
Via pasteblog:
“Well, there is going to be a Jurassic Park IV,” Johnston said, launching into the usual I’m-really-excited speech that folks who are making a movie tend to invoke when interviewed about said movie. “And it’s going to be unlike anything you’ve seen. It breaks away from the first three—it’s essentially the beginning of the second Jurassic Park trilogy.”
So, not only are they continuing to drag out this story, but they want to start a new trilogy? Which means what? Is it going to be about dinosaurs adjusting to life in Manhattan? Jeff Goldblum learns to ride dinosaurs? Finally, a Dinopark Tycoon movie?
Either way, it’s going to be dumb.
Now, I know you would be quick to judge a gang whose tools of destruction are inhalers and fanny packs slings, but who are you to say what makes a gang? How many gangs have you been in lately? Since you are probably in Starbucks nursing milk in a dixie cup while the manager shoots you dirty looks for mooching their wireless, I’m going to guess you are in the “been in less than 3 gangs” demographic.
Via cityblogpages:
Ever said this to yourself? “Well at least if I go to jail for life I can play Dungeons and Dragons till I die.”
False. Your life will have nothing to do with D&D magic if you are behind bars in one Wisconsin prison. Why you ask? The role-playing game promotes gang activity. Ah yes, should have known those D&D kids were up to something bigger than monster figurines and not having real friends.
Kevin T. Singer, a 33-year-old convicted murderer, sued after Waupun prison officials told him in 2004 that D&D was not allowed. Singer says he is a very serious D&D player. He wanted his materials back and said the confiscation violated his First Amendement rights.
The 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals sided with the prison today, saying it was a reasonable policy.
Although we don’t usually sympathize with convicted murderers, we’re predicting a slippery slope of game confiscation. What next? Take away “Sorry” because it encourages players to screw over their friends in their quest to win it all?
You know, just standard stuff. It’s the age old love story we’ve come to know too well; robots and booze.
For too long zombies have been missing from television (Larry King does not count). For too long we have been deprived of a show that confronts post-apocalyptic problems, like is your neighbor still your neighbor if he’s undead?
But thanks to AMC, the network that brought us Breaking Bad and that show about stuffy ad executives from the 60’s, we will now have an episodic zombie show based on the graphic novel The Walking Dead.
imdb reports:
“We reported a while ago that Frank Darabont and Gale Anne Hurd were prepping an adaptation of zombie comics series The Walking Dead for cable channel AMC. “Prepping” has now turned into “actually making”, with the news that the pilot episode has officially got the go ahead. In print form, The Walking Dead is by Robert Kirkman and Tony Moore, and has been running since 2003. It currently stretches to eleven volumes in the paperback collections, and basically involves Zombiegeddon survivor Rick Grimes and his family making their way to a possibly apocryphal Last Safe Place, and getting into agreeably visceral scrapes and adventures along the way. AMC’s Charlie Collier said that “working with people like Frank and Gale is the right way for us to deliver a project of distinction in this genre.” Which is suit-speak for “the guys that made Shawshank and The Mist and Aliens and Terminator.”
| The Colbert Report | Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| Skate Expectations - Speedskating Team Training | ||||
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“I am going to Vancouver to realize every Americans’ dreams . . . to get into the Olympics without exercising.”
- Conan slanders NBC through song. [Radar]
-Three Year Old Chinese Hip-Hop Star (Yes, he is already cooler than you. Yes, it is depressing. Yes, he should be the main character in Step Up 3). [CNN]
-This very well could be the end of the internet - The top 10 worst attempts at cutting down a tree (Best. Post. Ever?). [Urlesque]
-MacGruber red brand trailer. [I Watch Stuff: NSFW]
-Final Season Of Lost Promises Fans Will Be More Annoying Than Ever. [The Onion]
-22 minute behind the scenes look at Avatar. In case you want to know more about the Blue Cat People or have exactly 22 minutes before lunch. [Comingsoon]
-And the Piranha 3D trailer for good measure. [Youtube]
Save $17 instead of going to the Imax.
The internet has given us many great things since its inception: Youtube, a platform to slander people anonymously, access to vast databases filled with unreliable information (I’m looking at you, Wikipedia), a way to order Dominoes online and that video of the animatronic Chuck E. Cheese band lip-synching Usher. Really, the sky is the limit with this internet thing.
With the arrival of 2010, we can only imagine what the internet will give us this year and beyond. In this segment we try to preempt the internet’s future innovations and predict the coming trends.
Continue reading ‘Things The Internet Will Inevitably Give Us’
Here is to hoping that Conan comes back and writes for the Simpsons if he’s out of a job.
I see all these commercials for bankruptcy and debt consolidation services on TV and for some odd reason, whenever a couple has received “help” from these companies, the stock image of them recovering seems to be the pair engaged in a good ol’ day of horseback riding.
Horseback riding? Really?
Because my first thought if I recovered from bankruptcy would not be, “Hey, honey, let’s go horseback riding.” It would be something closer to “Hey, honey, let’s go to Aldi’s and buy a ten pound bag of rice and some blankets.”
And let’s be honest, even if I had the money, horseback riding would not be at the top of the list of activities I want to get involved with. It would be somewhere below getting elbowed in the kidney by Hitler and playing shuffleboard with werewolves.
I know there is this view of horseback riding as some sort of Kevin Costneresque return to nature, but I’m not buying it. Usually when you rent horses, you don’t get to gallop freely along white sandy beaches as you look longingly into your partner’s eyes. Rather, you are forced to trail some Canadian named Edwin, who is squatting in the country on an expired visa, while he leads you along a dirt trail bordering I-94 and shoots suggestive glances at your wife when you are searching for oyster crackers in your fanny pack.
So, I say let’s return to more realistic depictions of couples in bankruptcy, debt relief and Cialis commercials. Show people back at the craps tables. Show people buying twelve pairs of shoes at Payless. Show them buying lottery tickets from homeless guys on the L. But enough with horseback riding. It’s not like I’m going to take up polo now that I’ve got my Mastercard back.
Come on people.
The Clint Eastwood: 35 Films 35 Years at Warner Bros. collection is set to be released on February 16th, only two days after Valentine’s Day. For those of you who are skeptical that this box set would be a great gift for your significant other, note that The Bridges of Madison County is included in the collection, which I think is a romance, because Clint Eastwood doesn’t kill anyone in it.
And for a pre-order price of only $135 on Amazon (That’s a little under $4 per Clint Eastwood appearance), this is a deal that you can’t pass up.
