- Go to the nearest Jewel. Stand in the meat department and stare at customers until security asks you to leave.
- Walk into a Bank of America and demand to see Alexander Hamilton. Act surprised to learn of his death.
- Wear a cape to the zoo (Must be full-fledged adult).
- Sleep in an abandoned Blockbuster.
- Go to a matinee of The Expendables. Keep shouting “When does Rocky kiss Adrian?” until someone knifes you.
- Use chalk to draw a giant Risk board on a Michigan Ave sidewalk during rush hour. As people walk through your game, repeatedly shout, “You’re not allowed to invade Asia! You’re not allowed to invade Asia!”
- Set up an exercise bike on the sidewalk in front of an X-Sport. Pedal vigorously, only stopping every ten minutes to celebrate fake milestones by dosing yourself with a plastic bag full of flour/cocaine.
Continue reading ‘Poll: What Will You Do With Your Day Off Today?’
Archive for the 'Lists' Category
This post from BroBible.com (I guess dude-bro.com was taken) profiles the 20 Most Intimidating Fictional Sharks Of All Time in an attempt to bring shark week to a close. Although they did include the smart sharks from Deep Blue Sea, the Dharma shark and Jaws, somehow the Megalodons from Shark Attack 3 and the Meg book series were omitted, calling into question the validity of the entire list. Still, I have not lost faith in the journalistic integrity of BroBible. Long live the internet. Check out the full list at their site here.
In a rather surprising turn of events, game designer 2K Sports has announced that a special “Kobe challenge” will be available as a downloadable add-on only days after NBA 2K11 releases, providing a change of pace from the “Jordan Challenge” mode that is being included in honor of the Bulls legend gracing the cover of this year’s edition. Whereas the Michael Jordan Challenge will place players in a number of his most prolific games, including his 69 point effort vs the Cavs and his 63 point outburst against the Celtics, developers are promising that the Kobe Challenge will not just be more of the same. They revealed that players will be tasked with a series of unorthodox mini-games that will test durability, dexterity and moral values.
1. Bad Teammate (Berate Sasha Vujačić In The Huddle Until He Cries)
When and Where: Any game of the 2010 Season. Lakers huddle during timeout.
Goal: Choose insults from a dialogue tree. Land a successful string of disparanging remarks against Sasha Vujačić and watch his confidence meter deplete until he breaks down into tears.
Bonus: Give him a haircut while he is crying in the locker room.
2. I Hear He’s Very Good (Playing as Kobe’s Lawyer, See How Many Lawsuits Against Your Client You Can Have Thrown Out Before They Reach Court)
When and Where: All year round. Non-descript courtroom.
Goal: Using crafty lawyer-speak and opaque phrases like, “Just how irrefutable is irrefutable evidence?”, ”She was just a gold-digger”, and “Science is for nerds, your honor,” attempt to block as many lawsuits as you can from reaching court.
Bonus: Deflect enough lawsuits to keep Bryant’s Nike endorsement intact and you will receive a healthy commission bonus.
3. The Weather’s Nice In Florida This Time Of Year (Call Lebron And Beg To Join The Heat)
When and Where: July 17, 2010. South Beach.
Goal: Call up Lebron, being careful to not sound too desperate when you start dropping hints about buying real estate in South Beach. Mention that Dwayne Wade’s knee is not looking very healthy and could give out at any second.
Bonus: Offer to play under assumed alias; Kobley McBrymant.
4. My Spanish Giant (Bring Pau Gasol His Monthly Care Package)
When and Where: The First of Every Month. Pau Gasol’s house.
Goal: To make sure Pau Gasol never leaves you, deliver his monthly care-package containing a cake, a red BFF Pendant and $50,000 cash in a manilla envelope. Then, as contractually obligated, spend the rest of the day doing what Pau wants to do, even if it’s watching stupid foreign movies with subtitles or dancing in the disco in his basement.
- Conan O’Brien’s tweets now updating on digital billboards. (Examiner)
- So many emotions captured in a single photograph. (Freedom)
- Weezy’s got responsiblities, especially in jail. Don’t sleep on him! (Rolling Stone)
- Star Wars Google Ad. (College Humor)
- Tarantino/Cohen Brothers mashup montage, a match made in hyper violent quirky indie movie heaven. (Youtube)
- Donovan McNabb: “I’d like to thank the ungrateful, over-expecting, oftentimes-racist fans of Philadelphia.” (The Onion)
- You should watch Justified, because it’s set in my hometown and has Timothy Olyphant killing people in a cowboy hat (a la Deadwood). (Hulu)
Chicago Edition:
- Overzealous census taker.
- Crazy person from the train you made eye contact with for longer than five seconds.
- Documentary crew/lonely alderman.
- That Comcast employee you berated on the phone the other day.
- Overbearing guardian/cooky uncle.
- Bondsman.
- Greenpeace.
- That guy from your physics class who keeps insisting you went to high school together.
- Any of the starting lineup for the 2010 Chicago White Sox.
- That guy from the juice bar at X-Sport who keeps quoting The Hangover and asking for your number.
- Hipster Werewolf.
- Rod Blagojevich.
- The Hobbit may be in trouble. [The One Ring]
- Jamarcus Russell does not want to talk about his weight. [NBC Sports]
- That guy with his piano continues to do things with his piano. [ChatRoulette]
- Further proof that Bill Murray is awesome. [Youtube]
- The Battlefield Earth screenwriter finally apologizes for his crimes against humanity. [Popeater]
- A Lost comic about Sawyer and Amelia Earhart. [Comics Alliance]
- A pretty awesome PSA from SXSW about staying indoors to watch more movies. I endorse this endorsement … er yeah. [Film School Rejects]
- Denzel Washington wishes … you had … more time (5:02 mark) [Denzel Angry]
Yes, 24 is on the list of shows in danger of being cancelled. I guess in their 8th season they’ve ran out of ways to disguise Jack when he goes undercover. You can only fool Armenian terrorist cells with fake glasses two or three times before they shoot you in the face. Anyway, how the hell do terrorists not know who Jack Bauer is by now? He has to have been on the cover of Time magazine or at least been in a photo op with Dick Cheney.
Here is the list of endangered shows and what we think will happen to them:
24 - There are rumors of an impending 24 movie coming to theaters. It would be a nice way to end the show, but chances are it will continue until Jack is flashing his AARP card at security check points. Renewed.
Heroes - Emphatically cancelled and replaced by a Muppets cooking show. Cancelled for the good of humanity.
Fringe - I know a slew of people who will mutiny life if this show is cancelled, so let’s say not cancelled … ever … or at least until the X-files comes back. Renewed.
FlashForward - Should have been a movie, not a TV show. Cancelled.
The Forgotten - It will be forgotten much like Christian Slater’s other projects like … the show where he sucked at acting and … that other thing he was in… Heathers? Cancelled.
V - Let’s say cancelled. Just so Elizabeth Mitchell can come back to Lost. Cancelled.
Community - This is the best new show on TV. Maybe second to the screaming weatherman. Renewed.
Mercy - Not ER? Not Scrubs? Cancelled.
Trauma - This is a different show than Mercy? Double cancelled.
Scrubs - Not ER? Not Scrubs? Wait … Scrubs is on this list? Scrubs is still on TV? Well, still, it’s time to end Scrubs. End the suffering. Cancelled.
Friday Night Lights - Um, not canceled? Its rating are spilt over like three different networks, Hulu, DVRs, bitTorrent and real life Friday Night Lighting (Football in Texas). Does this show actually air on Friday? Either way, cut this show some slack. Renewed.
Don’t see your favorite show listed? Consult the live feed’s handy chart to see its status.
In honor of Lost returning to the air waves last night, the Near Truth has assembled a list of drinks that Lost characters would endorse for your future Lost gatherings. Here’s what we got:
Michael Dawson - Herbal Tea
Michael Dawson would recommend that you drink herbal tea. Why? Because if you are like Michael Dawson, you are going to spend a good portion of your day yelling your rebellious son’s name as he wanders around the jungle getting life tips from a bald guy whose checked luggage looks like a prop bag for Rambo. But with a nice glass of herbal tea, you can make sure you never lose your voice and can always keep tabs on your kid.
Jack Shepard - Bourbon Served In Popcorn Bowl
Jack Shepard is a fan of the drink. He doesn’t do much to hide it. When he melts down, it’s usually a pretty epic train wreck. Things will be going along just fine for him and then his father gives one of his patented “You suck at life, Jack” speeches or Jack sees an infomercial on TV starring an ex-lover airing during reruns of Seinfeld and he’s back drinking like only a true Shepard man could; chugging bourbon out of a popcorn bowl and then doing a round of karaoke on the ledge of a bridge. Everyone’s got their poison, Jack just chooses to consume his in jug like quantities.
John Locke - Rain Water Sipped Off Of Jagged Plane Fuselage
I’m not sure John Locke really enjoys earthly pleasures all that much, especially the eating of food and drink. I doubt he bothers to salt his boar meat or season his rack of polar bear. I’m also fairly certain that he only eats oranges so that he can use the rinds to creep out attractive plane crash survivors. If it were up to John, he’d probably eat MREs and drink rain water off the fuselage with a silly straw because he’s a nut job. Maybe it’s this Grizzly Adams lifestlye that shortened his life span, but you got to give him credit, he stuck by his guns. You will be missed, John Locke. Just not by me.
Continue reading ‘Drink Recommendations From Lost Characters’
- Conan slanders NBC through song. [Radar]
-Three Year Old Chinese Hip-Hop Star (Yes, he is already cooler than you. Yes, it is depressing. Yes, he should be the main character in Step Up 3). [CNN]
-This very well could be the end of the internet - The top 10 worst attempts at cutting down a tree (Best. Post. Ever?). [Urlesque]
-MacGruber red brand trailer. [I Watch Stuff: NSFW]
-Final Season Of Lost Promises Fans Will Be More Annoying Than Ever. [The Onion]
-22 minute behind the scenes look at Avatar. In case you want to know more about the Blue Cat People or have exactly 22 minutes before lunch. [Comingsoon]
-And the Piranha 3D trailer for good measure. [Youtube]
The internet has given us many great things since its inception: Youtube, a platform to slander people anonymously, access to vast databases filled with unreliable information (I’m looking at you, Wikipedia), a way to order Dominoes online and that video of the animatronic Chuck E. Cheese band lip-synching Usher. Really, the sky is the limit with this internet thing.
With the arrival of 2010, we can only imagine what the internet will give us this year and beyond. In this segment we try to preempt the internet’s future innovations and predict the coming trends.
Continue reading ‘Things The Internet Will Inevitably Give Us’
