Neighborhood drunk and known womanizer, Beau Franks, who has been known to occasionally refer to himself as “The Beauster”, has still yet to name the German Schnauzer he purchased from a breeder in the suburbs three months ago.
Franks, who claims naming the dog is on the horizon, defended his behavior saying, “Yeah, I got this dog to pick up chicks at the park and so naming him wasn’t really a priority at first. But it’s something that I’ve been meaning to do, it just hasn’t happened. I feel like I have a really clever name buried in the back of my mind, but it hasn’t quite surfaced yet. The best I’ve come up with was maybe either Barky or Poochbert, but I feel like I could come up with a much more awesomer name than that.”
Continue reading ‘Man Still Has Yet To Name Dog’
Declaring his return for the 09 Tour de France in front of reporters on the lawn of his Texas ranch, Lance Armstrong shocked the media again, when he announced that he would be challenging recent American hero Michael Phelps to a triathlon.
Continue reading ‘Lance Armstrong Challenges Michael Phelps To Triathlon, Demands He Should Be “Allowed To Bike Underwater For The Swimming Section”’
Look, I just don’t have time to read large blocks of text. I need my news presented in small bullet point lists, accompanied by a number of colorful photographs, so that I can formulate my opinions about important world issues from a print style that is most comparable to that of a picture book.
But day in and day out, I keep finding these news stories on CNN.com that have no pictures, seem to be written by someone who went to Harvard and thinks I have the time and patience to read a whole article about things that aren’t football, and educate myself about stuff like the war in Iraq.
Continue reading ‘Editorial: This Article Does Not Have Enough Pictures Or Bullet Points To Justify My Reading It’
In a stunning announcement today, management for actor Paul Walker revealed that he is in reality nothing more than a very realistic looking mannequin.
“It’s true, he’s actually made out of hard plastic,” assistant Marcia Clark sobbingly confessed. “We just couldn’t continue this deception of the American public anymore.”
Walker, who had appeared in such films as The Fast and the Furious and Running Scared, never received any breaks from critics, who constantly attacked his acting ability. Walker was also a popular public figure and frequent victim of paparazzi attention. And while rumors constantly surrounded the actor, no one could have predicted a twist like this.
Continue reading ‘Actor Paul Walker Revealed To Be A Very Realistic Looking Mannequin’
Deandre “The Math Rapper” Jenkins, a hip hop musician who specializes in educational raps for grade school math classes, recently lost his job with the K12 record company after an impromptu meltdown during his performance for the kids of St. Rita’s School.
Jenkins, who made his mark in the “school rap” scene with such classics as “Algebra Is My Homie,” “Fibonachi’s Sequence Is How I Get High” and “187 Equals Jail Time,” drifted out of his positive persona when he stopped his rendition of “Prime Numbers Are For Players” to deliver a long winded speech about how his ex-wife was bleeding him dry.
Continue reading ‘“Math Rapper” Declares He Is Having “Negative Fun” With Bankruptcy’
The rift between popular couple Tim Teahan and Tracy Ejofor was significantly widened today, when Teahan recently was overheard commenting that he didn’t “get” his girlfriend’s painting.
The painting, which depicts a crying tree, was supposed to “Articulate the symbolic destruction of the environment by mankind’s needless use of Sports Utility Vehicles and aerosol sprays” according to Ejofor. But all this social commentary fell on deaf ears with Teahan, who didn’t understand the significance of a weeping tree, dismissing the tree as a “sissy” who should “man up.”
Continue reading ‘Guy Doesn’t “Get” Girlfriend’s Painting of Crying Tree’
After numerous allegations of false information and intentionally misleading reports, the Fox News Network was forced to display records from their research department and expose the fact checking process used by their Quality Assurance experts.
Today, under a court ordered subpoena, Fox News released those records to the public, revealing that their fact checking process involved nothing more than a disheveled intern with a Magic 8 Ball.
Continue reading ‘Fox News Fact Checker Revealed To Be Magic 8 Ball’
Addressing the media today, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain made an unusually candid admission when he confessed that he may have, “Rushed his decision for the vice presidential nomination, when he called upon Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin for the position earlier this week.”
Continue reading ‘McCain Reveals Short List For Vice President Also Included Joe Lieberman and The Hamburglar’
