As the financial and housing markets continue to spiral into a state of unprecedented chaos, Forbes magazine unveiled a surprising choice for the cover of their “Financial Man of the Year Issue” when they extended the honor to Teddy Alpe.
Alpe, who is commonly known in the town of Fairfield, California where he resides, as the crazy guy homeless guy who lives in a cave, was called “a financial visionary” by the business magazine.
For the second consecutive year, the fear of sharks topped the New York Post’s poll of What Americans Fear Most. The crippling fear of these large predatory fish nudged out a fear of high gas prices and a fear of having a favorite TV show canceled in the middle of the season, to garner the top spot.
The American public, which is starting to recover from a stifling, fear-based stagnation brought upon by an unnecessary and useless color coded threat system, is now experiencing a noticeable shift toward more practical and remedial fears for its people.
Continue reading ‘New Poll Reveals Americans Fear Sharks Slightly More Than High Gas Prices’
Delivering a rather controversial speech from the dining room of The Westbank Retirement Home in Virginia, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain told a crowd of retirees that he, “Didn’t see a place for anyone under the age of 65 in McCain run America.” Further explaining that, “It’s not that I don’t like young people, I just don’t think they are necessary anymore. There is nothing that us Senior Citizens cannot accomplish without the help of robots, a steady diet of applesauce and the soothing music of Frank Sinatra.”
This Thursday, as Fox prepares to unveil its headlining game show, Hole in the Wall, a port of the popular Japanese show where people attempt to contort their bodies to fit through a moving hole in the wall, the network announced that they would be undertaking considerable efforts toward winning back the game show market from rival networks CBS, NBC and ABC.
Among Fox’s purposed strategies to lure game show viewers back to the network was a dedication to “thinking man’s game shows” like Hole in the Wall and Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? But their biggest secret for reestablishing the game show demographic will be in their newly unveiled program, Gas Waster.
Preparing for his upcoming game against the Minnesota Vikings, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning may have already made his most important call of the season. It came when the NFL star demonstrated his mastery of quick decisions under pressure, calling an audible out of his wife’s Wednesday night bookclub. “In all my years playing professional football, Super Bowl included, this was by far the best audible I have ever called. I looked into the future and saw a potential night of discussing The Kite Runner with a bunch of catty women and I knew I had to think on my feet. So, at the last second, I came up with what I call ‘emergency practice,’ Manning explained. “I told my wife that I couldn’t make it because of this ‘emergency practice’, but in reality, ‘emergency practice’ is held in Dallas Clarke’s basement and it basically entails seeing who can drink the most Jim Beam without passing out.”
In a rather ironic touch, the obituary for lifelong proofreader Max Johnson, who passed away last week at Lincoln General Hospital from natural causes, appeared today in the Chicago Free Press, littered with grammatical errors and numerous misspellings. The paper, which profiled Johnson as “Mak Johnstone, hard working father of six childrun,” has already issued an apology to the family. Johnson’s family tearfully responded, calling the obituary “a poorly written homage to a great man.” Son in law, Steve Setts, commented that, “He (Johnson) really would have caught all of these errors. It’s a shame he couldn’t have proofread his own obituary, because he probably would have put in the time to get his name right.” The Chicago Free Press has already promised to print a retraction tomorrow, featuring Johnson in what they are calling a, “kick-ass” full page obituary with color photos, really cool 3-D graphics and some nice fonts.
With the economic recession lingering and the housing market continuing to decline, shopping malls have been barren this summer. Parents have been absent from stores and they have not been spending their disposable income on presents for their kids. As a result of this, Americans have seen an increasing trend of parents who are encouraging their kids to participate in “box related” games.
Continue reading ‘Parents Encourage Kids To Play More “Box Related” Games As Recession Continues’
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