When you vote on Tuesday, make the right decision. Cressbeckler 08.
Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain
Monthly Archive for October, 2008
With their remarkable ascendancy to the top of the AL East and a stunning win over the Boston Red Sox in the ALCS, the Tampa Bay Rays are headed to the World Series for the first time in franchise history. And although it is a momentous occasion for the city, the Rays long history of losing has placed them in a rather comprising situation as the majority of their players have been forced to delay and in some cases cancel the seasonal jobs that they picked up in years past to combat their minuscule paychecks, which are on par with the payroll of an Arena football team or a poorly managed traveling circus.
While I was working in Professor Mertz’s lab this summer to earn some money for my causal addiction to recreational drugs, I happened to stumble upon this old machine under a dusty tarp. And as I was gathering some beakers to sell on ebay, I accidentally tripped over an inconveniently placed extension cord and activated the machine. Before I knew it, this brilliant blue light flashed in the room and suddenly, I was no longer in the lab. I was in the future! The whole incident reeked of the paper thin plot of an eighties teen comedy, but I assure you, this is how it went down.
Seriously, I’m glad that I’m in prison. And I’m not just saying that because the state said that I can’t leave until I have served my time. Because if I were given early parole right now, I would tell them thanks, but no thanks. Living conditions in America right now are awful. Foreclosure on houses, mass unemployment, bankruptcy, incompetent world leaders, rising gas prices and political disarray. Every day I am here in prison, it just keeps looking better and better.
Continue reading ‘Editorial: It’s A Really Exciting Time To Be In Prison Right Now’
That’s right. I see you checking me out from that table at the other side of the library. I know, it’s tough not to stare when you see such a fine physical specimen as myself. I bet you’re wondering all sorts of things about me, like, how do I manage to keep myself so toned? And why am I wearing a sleeveless shirt at the library?
Look, I consider myself to be a fairly masculine man. As much as the next guy, I enjoy knives, exaggerating my workout regiment, shaking off mild heart attacks, chopping wood, beef, corned beef, taking off my shirt at PTA meetings when I’m drunk, pretending to be interested in historical events that didn’t involve a war and giving advice where it isn’t needed. So, although it pains me to ask, I have to know, what the hell happened to Sandra Bullock?
Amidst discussions following the first Presidential debate and the upcoming Vice Presidential debate on Thursday night, experts took the time to access the qualifications of the candidates and their running mates through a series of comparisons.
The roundtable of political analysts compared Democratic candidate Barack Obama to a sprinter; young, athletic, virile and anxious to make his mark. Obama’s VP Joe Biden was equated to a badger; fierce and unwilling to back down on important issues. John McCain was paralleled with a redwood tree; stout, wise, and having a knack for survival. But when it came to Republican Vice President Sarah Palin’s qualifications, experts surprised when they drew a comparison of her to a vending machine.
