MTV’s Jersey Shore, a reality show that tries to expound upon the Jersey Shore archetypes highlighted in the infamous Guido Beach short, debuted last week, causing a collective groan in all states that don’t start with the prefix New (New Mexico gets a pass, New Hampshire is too close to Jersey to be forgiven and New South Canada is not an officially recognized state - yet).

The show features a group of colorful (this extends only to their personalities, since their near cancerous fake bake complexions occupy a single hue) characters who don’t seem to have any ambition, defining characteristics or careers (DJing is mentioned once or twice). A college background is hinted at for one of the cast members, Vinny, but as the premiere progresses, it is clear that whatever “college” Vinny went to, he majored in being a jackass with a minor in wearing sunglasses indoors while still managing to get pink eye. Awesome.

The setup of the show seems to be that eight roommates from the Jersey/Bronx area live together and work one or two days a week at a t-shirt shop on the Jersey boardwalk. They don’t seem to do much other than hit on men/women, show up late/hungover to work (their hours appear to be some unheard of shift that wealthy socialites work, which encompasses about a 3 hour stretch from 3 pm-6 pm) and bolster arguments in favor of a mandatory sterilization program in some states. 

The preview for the rest of the season hints at brawls, drunken brawls, sober brawls, poetic brawls (”You, don’t touch my boy! You don’t!” - well on his way to a successful haiku), drama and other behavior that suggests Idiocracy is a more prophetic movie than we would like to believe.

But, it is too early to pass judgement on Vinny, Angelina, Snooki, J-Woww, Pauly D, Sammi and the rest of the Jersey bunch? No. No, it’s not. I am absolutely operating within proper etiquette when I say the collective intellect of this cast is akin to a sleep deprived sloth handcuffed to an abacus.

With 2012 around the corner, that would place Jersey Shore in its third or fourth season when the Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world. Coincidence? I think not.

Watch the premiere here, but only if you have a gallon of bleach on hand, you know, to wash out your eyes after.

Today’s first sign of the Apocalypse: Jersey Shore 

Tomorrow’s emerging signs: Steven Seagal Lawman, Fox News, Low fat ice cream, Ugg boots, politics, Chicago sports, fist pumping outside of 1980.